stages

this has never happen to me before...but I know what its like to be that other person. I don't know what to do...it was starting to become clear and now again everything is muddled. I feel like a psychotic person with different personalities. One minute I'm angry and pissed off at whats happening...blaming you, then I feel pathetic like a wounded animal, then it passes and I feel ok...that moving forward isn't a bad thing, then I feel hopeful...that it'll all work out in the end and you're just being an idiot and you don't know what your missing, and the last emotion is the depression...its the numbness...its a dark place, that i rarely go to and am unfamiliar with. Everything is crumbling around me, i keep replaying the steps I took and what was my misstep...that I shouldn't have quit being a manager, or moved to the city because we'd be back to the happy place because I had money. Now i'm broke...with no car, barely getting by, and trying so hard to make it work, but its never enough, i feel taken for granted. But I know that these changes were necessary...it brought reality to its peak, that life is hard and we make sacrifices. Life isn't always about happiness but about surviving and making it work out the best that you can. I'm doing the best that I can...its about supporting each other and appreciating your loved ones. There no happy ending that exists...i was all wrong about that...this story just is and it keeps going...and theres a lot of shitty parts but I love you so much that I would be your friend and help you through all the hard parts and I hope that you would do the same for me. We constantly talk about expectations...but I think even when we try not to have them...they still exist. You expect us to be the way we were...just friends hanging out and having a good time and not expecting much...but thats an expectation. When you're in a relationship there are expectations...and that might sound stupid or clique but they exist. The expectations are that you are loyal to each other and don't sleep with other people, that you communicate and be honest, that you love each other no matter what. those are basic and those should be the only that exist...i'm learning that...no expectations, no disappointments...

Talk Nerdy to Me

I've been listening to Broken Bells recently and this video was maybe not the coolest video I've ever seen or the most creative but the song is good. That's whats most important really...but now that I think of it, sometimes shitty videos really ruin good songs. For example..."Safety dance"...just look it up...you'll see what I mean. This song makes me want to do the robot not twirl ribbons and frolic...just saying.



I had a shirt once that said Talk Nerdy to Me...I thought that was pretty clever and there were big framed glasses on the shirt...too bad it shrunk and didn't fit me anymore. Speaking of nerdy things, I went to the Dice Dojo last night and relived my gaming habit. Which I really want to start doing on a weekly basis. Alex says I should come everyday after school...haha...like I don't have homework or something, but its nice to feel wanted. It really does make me feel like I'm apart of a group and something that I enjoy doing that no one else does. The motivation for going as well is that I really sucked last night and I need to get back to my destructive dominating nature of shit talking and kicking major ass. Alex did stroke my ego by warning another player that I'm bloody vicious and that they should watch out for me. The nice thing about that happy place is that I can talk about Star Trek, Firefly, Battlestar Galactica and other nerdy things that no one else wants to talk about with me. Haha...I like sci-fi...its awesome. I enjoy living in fantastical worlds sometimes and I don't take it too the extreme but its a good release from the shitty things of reality. So yes...please do...talk nerdy to me, because I like it! ;)

Double the BOoty

I was walking to school and there was a woman in a really skin tight pink dress; it was one of those scenarios where she should have had a thong on...because the dress was that tight and well...I couldn't help but stare at her ass...and not because it was amazing looking...but because it looked like mine...flat as a pancake. So, the dress was not so flattering which is sad because the rest of her body was nice. I was wondering if anyone noticed that I was just walking behind her staring at her butt. Not like a stalker...just someone observing the similarities, which led me to think...if I ever wanted to get anything done in cosmetic surgery. I would start with my ass...I just want it to be perkier and rounder..that's all..not like Sir Mix-a-lot big, just cute and plump.



Anyways...another stinky adventure. As the weather gets hot and humid of course everyone gets stinkier. No matter where I go I smell BO surrounding me and ok don't get me wrong..I'm not perfect and I get some BO too, but I do smell checks and I reapply. BO is just god awful and I wonder what people did in the old days when deodorant was non-existant. The Blue Line with crowds of stinky people all standing next to each other...and speaking of BO...Mochi just farted next to me...ewwwww..not pleasant. Summer Time=Express Stop to Stinky Station

No Phone Zone may kill you

Oprah has this rule...its the no phone while driving pledge that she makes you sign when you go see her show. You sign it promising that you'll never talk/text on your phone while driving and that you will pull over if its an emergency to answer your phone. Now I know this quite well because my sister got us on the show and they MADE me sign this form...I wanted to give it back and they said..."you have to sign this"...I think that must be against the law somewhere...I know she's Oprah but she can't force me to sign shit. Anyways, my point being is that its all situational...if you strictly follow this rule you may end up killing yourself or worse killing someone else. For example: My sister was driving and I needed to tell her that we were going the wrong way, so I honked in my car for her to answer her phone. I thought that she didn't answer her phone because she signed the pledge and she loves Oprah so of course she can't break that contract. (It turns out she forgot her phone at home) BUT STILL...it got me thinking...what if that was the case...that she didn't want to answer her phone so instead of using her phone she rolled down her window and tried to talk to me that way...and we are screaming at each other through the window I was definitely thinking...this is completely dangerous and I think Oprah didn't really think about the situations people may find themselves in when they CAN'T answer their phone on the road due to signing her pledge. Here's other scenarios...a wife is in the hospital because she's having your baby, anyone is in the hospital that you know, you saw an accident on the road, you're meeting someone someplace and they are calling you to change locations. Ok, get a bluetooth that should solve the whole problem entirely but it was fun to think of the silly things that can happen when you follow the pledge.

Cricket ruins lives

You think I'm joking but I'm dead fucking serious when I tell you to never get Cricket service ever...it may be cheap but you definitely pay for what you're getting...crappy service. In the pass few days I've had arguments because well...gee I never got that text that you sent that was really important. Actually I haven't gotten maybe a totally of 10 different texts you sent because Cricket sucks. How do arguments happen...miscommunication and I would certainly consider not getting vital information miscommunication. Not to anyones fault of course...only the fault of that shitty provider that provides a pile of shit. Phew...glad I got that out.

Ok...moving on. So anyways...last night Alicia went home to her parents and Ryan was at a friends, it was actually pretty fricken sweet. Love em both but it was definitely nice to just sit in my underwear on the couch and watch Greys anatomy drama...it feels so good because its drama that has nothing to do with my life. Now I completely understand why people love drama shows so much. There isn't much arguing going on in your life when you're watching tv; now is there. You know what was also really awesome...Cait told me her roommate Nick said I was awesome and he loved me...you know why? he said "because she just says whatever she wants and its hilarious" Thats right! I forgot how amazing I am...I really like to hear that...I mean...I know this is vain, but whatever...it makes me feel really good when people tell me they like me and that I'm special. If you all don't like it bitches...well then suck a dick.

Work was hectic as shit and definitely overwhelming...I felt like I was running circles like a chicken with its head cut off. Went to my rents for some scary firework experiences...to be honest with the last traumatic (I almost blew off my hand)episode...I really didn't feel in the mood for things that went *bang*. I was suppose to get some money from my mom and forgot that she didn't get paid yet. :( watched a little rescue heroes and listened to my nephew back talk which was slightly funny but mostly slightly annoying. Had another awful Cricket incident and then I took a bath (Christmas Eve BB and Cobweb bomb...mixing christmas and halloween is awesome) I actually started blowing the bubbles everywhere and I would have taken a picture..but well you all don't want to see that do you. Now..I'm going to remove my nail polish, watch more greys and fall asleep whenever the fuck I want...because I can do that. The End.